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Pope for Hire

“You don’t have to move on, but you can’t stay here.”

Exorcisms, in the Discordian tradition, aren’t about banishing evil. They’re about evicting the confused with style. We don’t fear death; we just think it has terrible manners. When a spirit overstays its welcome, we don’t utter diatribes in Latin. We throw a party, tell a few uncomfortable truths, and gift it a metro card to the next dimension. By laughing at the void, we shrink things down to a human-sized-something we can dance with, or at least play cards against. Because in the end, death is just change in a funny hat, and we’re here to make sure it leaves with a smile.

Our methods may be unorthodox (and occasionally loud), but they work. Whether your ghost is confused, clingy, or just along for your awesome vibes, we’ll help them move on with grace, giggles, and minimal ectoplasmic residue.

Erisian Post-Life Eviction Services

Teaching the Meaning of Death — $42

  • A cosmic coffee chat where we kindly ask the spirit to pack its ectoplasm and skedaddle
  • A symbolic act of transition using breath, a bell, and an apple peel
  • Softly spoken truths with room for interpretation (and laughter)
  • One complimentary fnord spoken at high volume
  • Includes a parting card: “You were never meant to stay. But you are free to go.”

The Full Relocation Ceremony — $123

Everything above, plus:

  • A liminal banishment reminding the spirit that clinging is not the same as living
  • Use of blessed relics (golden apple, expired metro card, novelty compass, etc.)
  • Follow-up check-in in case of metaphysical boomeranging
  • Includes a signed Certificate of Passage and a minor aura tuning

Afterlife Concierge Deluxe — $333

Everything above, plus:

  • Full immersive rite with costume, incense, soundscape, and a squeaky chicken
  • An Erisian consecration filled with poetic license to help with chaos-alignment
  • Custom sigil installed on-site to discourage future spirit couch surfing
  • Comes with a framed Liberation Scroll, a golden apple, and a complimentary ghost repellent spritz called “Eris No. 5"

One Last Wild Night Before the Void — $666 + expenses

Everything above, plus:

  • The spirit is taken out for one final unforgettable night on Earth
  • Minimum of six drinks (plus generous tip, obviously)
  • Activities may include karaoke, grave rubbings, interpretive dance, or moonlit vandalism
  • Pics will be taken, preferably blurry, with the spirit tagged on insta when possible
  • One final sacred message whispered to the wind before the departed finally slip away into legend
  • Includes a signed bar tab, drucken automatic writing on a napkin, and and honorary toast... all filmed, of course